Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Bees - A Reply

Seeing the odd letter that BW received last week, I got to thinking about a suitable reply...

Dear Mr Bradley,

Thank you for your kind letter requesting help with your project to start keeping bees. I can see from what you wrote that you are indeed a novice when it comes to the art of beekeeping. I tried using a technique similar to the one you are proposing when I first set up a beehive. Unfortunately, I was destined for failure because I was unaware of a very important fact. When bees are happy, they become very lazy.

My bees were living in the very best apian luxury and they refused to come out of the hive to pollinate the flowers in my garden and make honey, preferring instead to spend their time in the gym and mini-cinema that I had built for them. It took months to work out where I had gone wrong. After that, though I corrected all my mistakes very quickly.

In order to get the most out of your bees, you must keep them unhappy. An unhappy bee will take his frustrations out on hte flowers around the hive and will pollinate them in the process. He will then go home and make you lots of delicious honey.

So, how do you make, and keep, your bees sad? There are a variety of ways to this but here are a few important steps:

1. Find a colony of bees that are happy in their freedom to come and go as they please and imprison them in your hive. They will remember the carefree days that are behind them and seeing the bleakness that is ahead of them will drag down their moods.

2. Don't allow them any freetime privileges. The only activities they must be allowed to do are pollination, honey making and sleeping (and if you limit the amount of this last one, they will be even more unhappy).

3. Don't allow them to eat any of the honey they produce. Doing this will ensure that they are aware they are working for a cruel tyrant and that there is no escape.

This is where your propaganda idea could come in especially useful. Use propaganda to show them how bleak their situation is and they will be your slaves for ever!

I hope that you find this information useful and that it helps you in your quest to become a beekeeper



Go on, BW, send it. You know you want to.

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