Head vs Heart

It's difficult to explain how I feel about becoming a father, largely because I can't work out what feelings I've got.

Obviously, I'm very happy. L and I made a very conscious decision that this was what we wanted so it would be odd not to be glad it's happening. Am I excited, though? Well, not really. There is a certain amount of excitement when telling people for the first time but that's probably just a reflection of the pleasure being expressed by those people.

I am understandably daunted - after all, this is not something you take on lightly - and worried (that I won't be a good father) but I recognise those as perfectly normal reactions. Do I also feel fear? Wonder? Panic? Joy? I haven't got a clue.

I think there are two reasons for this. The first is that with such a mix of emotions it can be difficult to distinguish between them all.

The second, more fundamental, reason is that the whole concept of becoming a father is rather abstract at the moment. On a purely intellectual level, I know what is happening and have done since I saw the little blue cross of the positive test. But emotions have little to do fact and I can't honestly say that my heart believes it is all happening. L has had similar problems believing and she's had the physical signs to help her. I can see the bump etc but that doesn't help me believe.

I have to wonder when it will truly hit me. Will it be when I see the scan in six week's time or when I can feel it kicking if I rest my hand on the bump? Or will it wait until the baby is born and there is no way to deny it any more?