I made a startling discovery last night. One that could amaze physicists across the world.
This year is the 100th anniversary of Einstein's Theory of Relativity, which shows that time slows as you near the speed of light, and it is fitting, therefore, that my discovery should expand a little upon that most famous of papers.
In a nutshell, my new addendum to Einstein's work is this:
"The closer you are in relation to a pregnant woman, the slower time becomes."
The only difference between them is that in my case, you actually notice that time is running slowly whereas in Einstein's you don't. It is therefore clear that time only slows down around you, leaving you completely unaffected.
My proof is taken from my own senses. I mean, nine months has never passed so slowly before, I swear. Further, I am certain that the following nine months, once I am no longer in close proximity to a pregnant woman, will pass much faster than I would expect and, indeed, want. What further proof do you need?